these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We are all done wearing pants today
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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