when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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