If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
