I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
