Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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