The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
