If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
