I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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