Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
