Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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