She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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