i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
