You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
