Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
