i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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