I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
