dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His hands were made for my vagina.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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