So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
