I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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