Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
