you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
