i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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