Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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