How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize