i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
