I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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