I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
