I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
