So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
