I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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