Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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