dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
