Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
