Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize