well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
