yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
