I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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