I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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