You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
