I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
