We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
