She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
