i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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