We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
