Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
