Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize