And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
