Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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