Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
And then he peed in my hair
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