Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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