Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
