I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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