this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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