Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
