one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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