It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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