I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
