Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
