Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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