Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
