May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
