If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
